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1. Realize you don’t have to date. Much
sexual temptation today is created by our social practice of coupling and isolating young people instead of doing what the Hebrew culture and many others have done—requiring that single people spend time together
only in a context supervised by parents and other adults. This structure of direct parental involvement and carefully overseen courtship has been the normal social structure; it is ours that is abnormal. In our culture, the unprecedented combination of young people’s leisure time, money, transportation and being permitted to be alone for long hours and late at night—and the large gap between the average age of puberty and marriage—have proven overwhelming temptations to many, Christians included. Many people think that to be normal you have to date. But just because lots of other people do doesn't mean you have to. It’s an option, not a need. With the upside comes the downside of definite risks and temptations. You can enjoy fun positive friendships with people of the opposite sex and be involved in all sorts of activities without coupling up with one person. If you’re interested in the case for courtship rather than dating, see the bestselling book I
Kissed Dating Goodbye by Josh Harris (Multnomah Press, 1997). If you do choose to date—as most
people seem to—the following guidelines can help you maintain a walk with God and guard your purity.
2. If you’re a Christian, only date Christians. Dating is the path to marriage. You will not marry
every person you date. But the person you marry will be someone you dated. Therefore every date is a potential mate. There is no such thing as “just dating”—you don’t “just” bungee jump from a helicopter, or
“just” fight on the front lines of a battle and you don’t “just” date. It’s too important to say “just.” Too much is at stake. God says “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers . . . what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Don’t enter into any relationship that could compromise your convictions. The closer the relationship the greater the danger. There are many contexts in which to do evangelism—dating isn’t one of them. God doesn’t call anyone to missionary dating. Far too much is at risk. For the same reason you wouldn’t marry a non christian, you shouldn’t date one. (If you wouldn’t eat poison mushrooms, don’t put them on your plate. If that seems an unfair comparison to dating an unbeliever, reread 2 Corinthians 6:14).
If you wouldn’t marry a person because they don’t know Christ, that’s a good enough reason not to date them. More young men and women are derailed from their walk with Christ by dating nonbelievers than anything else. The longer you allow a relationship to go on with a nonbeliever, the more cloudy your judgment will become and the more likely you will commit immorality and turn your back on the Lord in other
ways. Convictions waver when we place ourselves in the realm of temptation. There is only one way to be
sure you do not marry an unbeliever: never date an unbeliever.
3. If you’re a committed disciple, only date committed disciples. (And if you’re not a committed disciple, why
aren’t you?) It is necessary to date only Christians, but it is not sufficient. Many Christians lack moral fiber, convictions, maturity, and discipline. Just because a person is a Christian doesn’t make him or her morally safe or a worthy partner. Let’s face it—some Christians are still jerks. Don’t expect perfection in the person you date. But do expect character and godliness. Don’t date someone with spiritual problems or character deficiencies that would cause you not to marry them.
This assumes that you yourself are a growing Christian, that you are developing a strong character and strong convictions. If you’re not a committed, growing disciple, then a committed, growing disciple shouldn’t be dating you. Don’t only think about being out of God’s will if you date the wrong person—also think about whether someone else would be out of God’s will dating you. The first key is being the right person, the second key is dating the right person.
4. Choose dates by character more than appearance. “The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) Appearances change over time. You’ll find that out at your ten year and twenty year class reunions! But even in the short-run, a person who looks great at first glance but who lacks character and depth quickly becomes less attractive. A person with strong character quickly becomes more attractive. When we judge people by their appearances,
often we turn out to be dead wrong— and meanwhile we may have made foolish choices.
5. Realize Christ is watching and is with you all evening—wherever you go and whatever you do.
He is watching you because he is omniscient. He is with you because he’s omnipresent, but as a believer he is with you in a very special way—he indwells you, you are his holy temple. You are the holy of holies, the dwelling place of the Almighty: “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then
take the members of Christ and join them to a prostitute (or anyone else in an immoral action)? Never!” (1 Corinthians 6:15). Since the Holy Spirit of God is within us, when we do evil with our bodies we bring God himself to the evil with us. This should be
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