Are you dissatisfied with your friendships? If you’re like most Americans, you probably are.
The state of friendship is not strong.
• A 2013 study found that 75 percent of us are not truly satisfied with our friendships.
• The number of people who say they have no one to discuss important matters with has tripled in the past 30 years.
• And the number of Americans who self-identify as lonely has doubled in the last decade.
Ouch. We live in a culture where we’re always friending and yet have crappy friendships.
What can we do about it? Here are five practices (in two parts) for developing deep friendships.
1. Invite God into your friendships.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great German pastor who led his community to resist the Nazis even at the cost of his own life, knew firsthand the importance of deep community. But in his classic book, Life Together, Bonhoeffer also cautions against the temptation to take God out of the picture and make deep community simply a human construction.
True community, Bonhoeffer says, is only made possible by God’s power, through Jesus Christ’s death on the cross and the Holy Spirit’s ongoing transformative work in our lives. In other words, we don’t just “build community”; rather, we receive the community that God has established through Jesus.
Think about it this way: if making deep friendships was merely based on human effort (how nice, kind, fun, loving, etc., we are), we would inevitably be disappointed. Because let’s face it: we can be those things for a little while, but at the end of the day we are all broken, selfish, sinful people.
The kind of friendships that Bonhoeffer imagined are ones that start with the love of God and then flow through Jesus into us. Jesus put it this way, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. . . . Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:9-10, 12).
Did you catch that? The Father loves Jesus, Jesus loves us, we remain in Jesus’ love, and then we love one another. In light of this amazing vision, how silly would we be to make our friendships just a product of human effort?
The first step to inviting God into our friendships, however, is admitting that we need God in the first place. Be honest with yourself, with God, and with your community. Ask your friends and mentors to pray for you and with you. Then make some space for God this week to pray, journal, or reflect on John 15:1-17. As a community, explore what the Bible has to say about God-centered friendship.
2. Make time for your friends.
Friendships aren’t Hot Pockets. As much as we would love to pop ’em in the microwave and have them be wonderfully delicious in two minutes, meaningful friendships take a lot of time and hard work.
Jesus valued friendship. In some of his last words before his crucifixion, Jesus declared that his disciples were no longer just servants but also his friends. He even went so far as to say, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
In The Pursuit of God in the Company of Friends, Rich Lamb uses a single word to break down Jesus’ strategy for prioritizing his friendships: time. Jesus spent quality time, intentional time, even sacrificial time with his disciples.
Most of our time is already jam-packed with work, school, Netflix, Facebook, church, volunteering, and various leadership roles. Now, don’t get me wrong—all these things are great. But how the heck are we supposed to lay down our lives for our friends when we can’t even grab a few minutes with them?!
Here was one attempt I made. A few years ago I joined a weekly bowling league. This was significant because (1) I don’t bowl and (2) I am rarely free the same night every week.
But nearly every Thursday in a three-month stretch, I made time for bowling. And not surprisingly, some really deep friendships formed. Even though I had known some of the guys for years, making weekly time for them allowed for a new depth that had previously not been possible in our busy, scattered schedules.
One of the simplest and yet hardest ways to pursue meaningful friendships is to make time for them. So let’s start right now. Set aside an evening each week or a weekend for friendship—no studying, working, or serving. Join a bowling league! Don’t let time with people be the first thing that drops from your schedule when you’re busy. Make time for your friends as Jesus did.
3. Focus on a few.
Most of us have hundreds (if not thousands) of “friends.” We have access to people through our churches, workplaces, campuses, fellowships, and even on social media, but too often our friendships tend to run a mile wide and an inch deep.
Jesus forged deep friendships because he focused on a few.
Even though he was regularly around massive crowds who demanded his attention as well as his twelve disciples, he reserved special time for three: Peter, James, and John. They alone witnessed the resurrection of Jairus’s daughter. They alone got to experience the transfiguration.
I, on the other hand, don’t focus on a few because I have a serious case of F.O.M.O.: the fear of missing out. Every time I see pictures on Facebook of friends checking out a new restaurant or hanging out together, I wish I could have been there. And my fear of missing out on new opportunities causes me to tolerate shallow friendships so that I can always be available for the next fun, cool outing.
So for me, focusing on the “few” means having the wisdom to know the specific individuals God has placed in my life for this season, prioritizing them, and not stressing out over every potential new friendship or experience I might be able to entertain in the future.
Which “few” in your life might God want you to focus on? And how might you invest in them so that they can make an impact for God’s kingdom?
Are you tired of crappy, superficial, purely electronic friendships?
I am too.
In my last post, we explored three practices for developing deeper friendships. Here are two more practices that can help your friendships go to yet another level of depth.
4. Call out the elephants in the room.
Maybe you have friendships where you regularly spend time together—going to movies and restaurants, and even having fun from time to time. But something about it feels superficial, mundane, shallow.
You’re left wanting more.
Best-selling author and psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, in his book The Different Drum: Community and Making Peace, described this dynamic as “Pseudo Community.” It’s where most communities start—and often where they stay.
In Pseudo Community, we are nice, polite, and tolerant of one another, but we avoid conflict, honesty, vulnerability, or challenge at all costs. Over time, as Pseudo Community becomes our norm, it leaves us with that nagging feeling of inauthenticity and superficiality.
Jesus had a penchant for breaking down Pseudo Community. When there was drama among his friends, he didn’t avoid it or gloss over it. He called out the elephants in the room. Even when his friends were joyful, Jesus was not afraid to challenge them if he thought they were missing something.
A few years ago I led a mission trip on which there was a growing tension between the students and the program staff. The students felt the program wasn't being run well and the program staff felt the students weren't being teachable.
I was caught in the middle. I knew this dynamic was going on, but I clung to Pseudo Community like a drowning man to a buoy. I told lots of jokes to break tension. I changed topics or avoided conversations when the issue came up. I ran from the conflict. And for the entire first half of the trip, our mission trip appeared to be going smoothly, though we all knew that there was a big problem. I had successfully managed to keep Pseudo Community going strong even with a raging undercurrent of tension and conflict.
Eventually one of the program staff confronted me about my conflict avoidance. We both agreed that the issues needed to be named and went on to have a conversation with my team and the program staff.
After some painful exchanges and intense conversations, God slowly took our community to a deeper level. Apologies and forgiveness were exchanged and a new level of honesty and depth developed among us all. My students became more teachable and the program staff became more understanding. I learned a hard but incredibly necessary lesson about how my conflict avoidance hinders deep community. Years later, I am still thankful for how God worked in that process.
We often settle for superficial friendships and Pseudo Community because going deeper is a scary place. When we call out areas of tension, we have to deal with conflict, be honest with others, and give and receive challenge. It’s certainly much safer to stay in Pseudo Community. But I think we all know deep down that it’s not better.
5. Get help with interpersonal blind spots.
The most frequent derailers of deep friendships are interpersonal blind spots. We all have them but often can’t see them in ourselves (hence blind spots). We can, however, easily spot them in others.
Think about a friend or acquaintance who has a particularly annoying habit that everyone knows about except the person themselves.
In high school, I had a friend with incredibly bad body odor. You could literally smell him around the corner. And he had no idea. But none of his “friends” (myself included) had the courage or honesty to tell him straight up (this is textbook Pseudo Community, by the way).
My interpersonal blind spots weren’t as egregious as heinous body odor, but they were just as derailing and just as imperceptible to me. I have this nagging tendency at large gatherings, parties, and other social functions to dominate conversations. I’d make way too many jokes and then I’d interrupt people with my “funny” stories (often I was the only one who found them funny).
People even gave me the nickname “Senator” because I could sometimes act like a smarmy politician, desperately trying to get people to like me. I always knew I was a gregarious, extroverted guy, but I had no idea I was coming across that way and to that extent.
Thankfully, I had a few close friends who firmly and lovingly called me out on my interpersonal blind spot. They pointed out how I was alienating and annoying people and taking up way too much social space. I’m still working on it, but without friends who were willing to bring it up to me, I don’t know where I’d be today.
Invite your friends to help you with your interpersonal blind spots. Ask them for feedback on how you’re relating with others. Read a book on self-awareness with a group of close friends. Often our most derailing interpersonal blind spots are the ones that are the most hidden to us, so don’t give up too easily.
Deep friendships are possible!
We don’t have to settle for mediocre, superficial friendships. We were created for more. But pursuing deeper friendships won’t be easy. It will take time and effort. There will be risks involved. It may not turn out exactly the way we hoped. But we have a marvelous example in Jesus Christ. And we have a God who empowers us and walks with us every step of the way.
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